My feeling TODAY is that some of my friends, family, and particularly counsellors, , , are concerned with how much energy and time I have invested into this relationship with ‘Turtle’.

I know that 16 years and 5 mice sounds like a **long time** but it is not like I have been ‘engaging’ with Turtle that WHOLE TIME. . . For the first how many years?? Three years of that story, , , I was a M.E.S.S. It was not a pretty picture, , , it was horrid. . . For me, for him, for everyone we knew in that beautiful town, , , and that was on me, , , I know it. . . Because, , , I had issues. . . (I know we ALL have our issues), , , mine were just a little toxic, , , perhaps. . . Turtle and I weren’t very friendly back then, , , even though, , there was INITIALLY a spark, , , or at least that is what I perceived, and also what I felt in my repeated but mostly brief interactions with him.

At the time I was listening to the radio quite a bit. . . Triple J, , , and there were a few boys on that station that I found funny, , , and, , , THIS WAS THE SHIZ, , , **This is my issue (or it was). . . I would become attracted to people who were at a vast DISTANCE to me, , , this pattern, I suppose. . . It is a trauma response, , , or that is what I understand it to be now. . . Same with Sator. . . SAME thing, , , **love at a distance.

I guess my POINT is, that I healed from this horrible approach to relationships. . . And surprise, , , surprise, , how did I heal??

I healed partially due to a skilled therapist, an exceptionally talented psychologist. . . That was PART of the story, but looking back at the years between 2011 and 2015, , , what helped me more than anything was having a friend to talk to. . . I can’t explain how this HELPED so much. . . At times since then, I realised, that it was the VALIDATION, , , of Turtle’s company, , , which helped to HEAL me.

He validated me. And yes, my psychologist did that too. But we chatted every day for years, , , LOL , , , it wasn’t , , ,hard work, , it wasn’t an INVESTMENT on my part, , , it was just , , , a friendly conversation maybe, , , talking to someone who was interested in ME. . . Because perhaps I FELT as though no one had ever shown any kind of real interest in me before.

Fast forward to 2015. I moved to Melbourne. And things had changed for me in terms of a relationship, because I just stopped CHASING people. . . I stopped being attracted to people who I related to **at a distance** like lecturers, or musicians, , , or any of those kinds of people, , , who were just so out of my league, , , perhaps that was what attracted me to them in the beginning. . . Perhaps I knew I would never reach them, , , so it was safe, , , ( I don’t know why)). . . I just hate attention, , I hate being the centre of attention, , , I used to hate with a passion anyone asking me a single question about myself, and when I would talk about myself or say a single thing, something inside would start screaming at me ‘SHUT UP!!’,, all these ALARM bells would go off, , ,

And then, , , I started to feel sad about my relationship with Turtle. I believed (at the time) that he was in Melbourne (for some reason). I would cringe at the idea of bumping into him somewhere. Also, although our interaction was validating, I would feel (at the time) like it was emotionally dangerous to share my FEELINGS with him.

At the time, I felt like I was throwing my heart into an abyss. . . It was painful, and in 2017, , , I am pretty sure, I gave it up.

It was hard, but not so hard, , , and I thought about him a little bit in the years following, but I certainly wasn’t pining over him. I was living my life, I guess. . . I found out some information about him, and, , , I guess, , , we had a break.

In 2023, , , I SAW him (I am pretty sure) at the beach. It was awkward, , , and a few months later, he came back to me, , , but this time, we started having a meaningful conversation (rather than just pure validation). Over time, , , our conversation has become more meaningful, and we share a language of concepts, , , and stories. . .

Tonight, Turtle suggested that I come to his page, and share my feelings about my three soft toys.

I pondered this for a while, , , and it tracked back to OUR story. . . Because what Turtle was for me from the beginning, , , was a soft mouse. . . This is HARD to explain, , , without understanding the theory of Transitional Objects by Donald Winnicott.

To put in a nutshell. . . Balthazar is an expressionless companion who allows me to explore MY OWN feelings. . . (and thoughts). . . It made me think of our history, because this is what Turtle has given me. . . Places and spaces to get to know myself, , , or to grow, , , (It is hard to put in words, or join these concepts together somewho).

It is hard for me to comprehend that I have THREE soft toys. . . It is true that I do have three soft toys. . . And while, ,, Igor is quite new to me, and Sylvain is in another dimension, Balthazar is the friend that I have carried around with me, and still do.

Tonight after I was upset with Turtle because of the things my therapist and friends are saying. . . That I should leave Turtle. . . that he doesn’t reciprocate and things like this. . . Something on my Mum’s toy website made me laugh and it made me think of Balthazar. I brought him over to myself and sat him on my lap.

It was a STRANGE feeling. It was a kind of situation that ALLOWED me to understand how I felt about Turtle IN THAT MOMENT. . . And that is what Turtle has always given me, , , the freedom to understand and express myself.

It is not EVERYTHING. . . I know that. I have done. a huge AMOUNT of work on my own, since we had a break, and with my ((beautiful)) friends, , , and family, , , and psychologists, , , and just myself. . . I finally DID develop feelings for someone in my locality, , , someone who potentially IS available, or at least, who I feel I have a healthy connection with.

I am not going to say out loud who that person is. And I am not sure that THEY know I have feelings for them. It feels like an impossible mission to me, due to the rules of polite society.

And so, , , Turtle HAS been my friend for all this time. . . And even though some people might **think** that ‘it is not much of a relationship’, or that I am ‘compromising my self esteem’, or a mission of other things, that people MIGHT think, , , no matter what happens. . . Turtle makes me cry, , , because I ((appreciate)) him, , , and he makes me feel safe, , , and secure in the processes of ‘making mistakes’. And because I ((love him)) mostly. . . And , , , that is why. ((oooch)) la.