I think I have found the reason behind the fact that people don’t like to ‘listen’ to me. It gets better all the time, and I have held some of my friends’ attention for a few stories this year. It used to be that I could tell people were getting bored with the first sentence that would come out of my mouth.

It hurt. . . but talking has always frightened me anyway. For so many years in a group situation as soon as I started to speak I would get these huge ‘alarm bells’ in my mind. . . ‘shut up!!’ they would say. . . ‘shut up’.

What am I good for?

My skill has always been listening to people in verbal conversations, making people feel the glow of undivided and rapt attention to whatever they were saying. People don’t often ask questions. People like to talk. Many of my friends and acquaintences aren’t really that curious, about me at least.

I do have some friends who are willing to ‘share’ the conversation. To begin with those were the only conversations that I would open up at all. . . It is happening more and more though, the more confident and skilled that I get. So, that is one good thing.

Reality though

And what I am just about to post is not entirely realistic, because in a normal conversation I wouldn’t be given the floor to talk for any length of time. A good conversation is back and forth. .. that is what feels good to me, when it happens. And I have a few favourite friends who share the limelight with me.

Nonetheless, the process of transcribing my recent monologue was very sobering. Even Google dictate got bored I think. .. It was certainly extremely hard work listening back to what I said with so much attention that I could write it down.

Growth

And yet, I think it is a very good thing for me to do. Perhaps it is the next step in my learning to be a good conversationist, because listening, and reflecting on how I come across when I talk for any length of time might allow me to ‘grow out’ of being a boring eedjit.

I think that no one in my childhood really ever drew me out in any real way. I don’t remember really ever talking much. I certainly don’t remember people in my family being interested in me on any real level.

They are now of course, sometimes. . . I am still a ‘pain in the bum’ on the whole.

The fallout

So, although I feel very sad now. I also feel validated on some level. . . for listening to myself, as painful as it was.

I think it would be good for my readers to read this too, if they are interested. I don’t talk in the same way that I write, I think. You might be interested in my writing. I doubt very much that you would be interested in my ‘talking’. It is reality though, so I am going to post it. Prepare to get very, very bored!!

Sunny day monologue

 The idea was, to, make, well, the idea was to write how you talk… so this what I’m doing… I’m writing a couple of essays and it might even just be one essay. and and so it’s just to write, to talk, how you speak.

So, I don’t know how to start.  I wanted to sa that I had the most wonderful day. It was so nice. It started off a bit rough because the other night when I was all excited about this new business idea…I got through excited about it, and friendship and stuff, and I couldn’t sleep. And I was reading Substack and stuff, and I thought this is not gonna happen, I’m not gonna sleep. so I decided to take a sleeping tablet , because I thought I had better bloody sleep, you know I’m a bit fragile in that way, things can get, I can spiral, so I took this temazapam and um, went to sleep after a while.

But it has such a crappy after effect. Like yesterday, I think I was writing in my creative writing blog, about how I just felt so not good, it, yeah, I felt nauseous. It was like this grinding headache combined with nausea. And some of it is because, um, people wanted to pay me money for this ticket for this dating thing, and it made me feel sick because it’s like, there’s something funny about taking people’s money… I just, it’s not too bad but I just feel funny about it sometimes.

So I was processing that and then anyway so I, as you may know, I wrote about how I wasn’t gonna write and then I had to do some customer service, so I started writing emails to a couple of people. And then I thought I could do some editing, so I went back and looked through all my creative writing, well some of it isn’t creative writing, but aspires to be a creative writing blog, and found all the poetry, and the kind of, stuff that felt like it’s kind of worth something, because a lot of it is just like… ‘blah’, anyway, and so, um, yeah, I was editing it, and yeah once I got into the swing of it, it was really fun to edit.

Um anyway. So I can’t believe that from 2009… there is some stuff before that which is better, because I had that downfall in 2007/8, before that I was writing some pretty cool stuff, and I think I lost some of that, and around that time I was writing poetic stuff, because I was um, high most of the time, some of it doesn’t really make sense. But I was editing it, to kinda make it sound nice and I can’t believe that out of all,,, how many years?.. from 2009 to the end of 2015 there’s like 10 pieces of writng, so far, that I found, that I would be willing to share. So that is not a lot, considering I have probably written in total, I don’t know how many but something like 20,000 posts or something, or some ridiculous amount. 10 pieces of writing! They are not even very long.

So, anyway, so after that I was like, (what’s my point?)… yeah I it was about feeling like crap, so yeah I kinda got back into my head, got better and I was thinking about other ways, um, not just right poetry all the time, cause I like, you can kind of get a bit tired of poetry, and I asked ChatGPT and I found these palate cleansers things and other things and other ways I can write. But one of them is personal essays which I think I will put on Soul Gardening, because, yeah, I thought, yeah, it might be alright to write on Soul Gardening, and maybe even personal stuff, but I think just not this whole stream of consciousness crap, about, blah, blah, someone did something. Responding to someone. It gets really. . . it feels testy, and the conflict gets (inaudible word). I think it gets.

And I shouldn’t be writing when I am psychotic anyway. But I guess, it is going to be hard, to put boundaries around that, because I feel the need to communicate so much so when I am psychotic. Because everything is just so, I am much more connected when I am psychotic, like my sense of humour is better, and I am laughing a lot, about things. I mean not maniaclly, and saying funny things and I am much more funny when I am psychotic and I connect with people on a much deeper level. So I have this laugh with a lot of people. Anyway, it is just this general need to communicate. Anyway, it is such a nice state of mind, apart from all the stuff that goes on with this, , , kind of, the delusion, and the whole world that surrounds that, that is hyperreal. The actual way that I connect with people is much nicer, so it is really good in that way. 

Ah, back to the point. I , yeah, I wasn’t feeling good yesterday, and it was that bloody medication, and yesterday, well this morning I felt a bit  seedy, just a bit scratchy, not good. So anyways, the day turned out wonderfully. It was one of those days when I was just lucky, if you know what I mean, and there’s something, and luck comes to you, and I don’t know. I am a pretty lucky person generally. But today was particularly lucky, like, on the way home from my client shift I had to bring the car back. I had to get the car back by six. And they said ‘if its not back by six, you are going to get penalties, blah, blah, blah.’ And I stopped at Fairfield on the way home, because I just really wanted some yoghurt for my probiotics, for my biome and microbiology and stuff, and um, and I wanted to get something else, , ,cheese, , , because I just, need snacks. . . My whole diet is changing. But um, anyway, so I stopped at Fairfield and I thought, if I go to this shop, the wholefoods didn’t have cold stuff, didn’t have yoghurt. But if I went to the supermarket, and um, and, they had yoghurt, which was good, so I thought if I spend ten minutes in the supermarket, so then I got back to the car, it was 5:40. It was going to take me 13 minutes to get back to where the car was, where I had to drop the car in Fitzroy. So I drove back, and you have to take all these photos, and blah, blah. I got my shit together, got out of the car, took the photos. I pressed the button to end the trip, and it doesn’t end until you press the button; and it was 5:59 (laughs out loud). And I had to get back by six.

And then anyway, so then I was in Fitzroy and I was like walking home and I had this I had all my groceries and my computer stuff and I was like oh I really need to go the bathroom, so I thought I’ll stop , um, at a pub, so I stopped at the Marquis de Lorne. And it is so cool the way they’ve designed it because you go up the stairs, so even if you just wanted to go to the bathroom, no one would really notice if you just went in there to use the bathroom, which is a good thing to know.  but anyway I stopped and I went to the bathroom, and I thought I would go to the rooftop bar, because I will have a drink, because my phone was like, 20 % charge, and I just thought, ‘it is such a nice day. I’ll go and, , , um, , have a drink. ‘

So I was sitting in this lovely courtyard, writing and checking my analytics,  and just having fun and then I started writing out a mind map and plotting out this personal essay that I am going to write on Soul Gardening, , , and then, but then my nicotine spray was feeling a bit empty, and I’ve been getting into a bit lately. I go in stages, where I forget about it, and then. . . anyways. I don’t know why I have a nicotine addiction again, but I do. And so I said to myself ‘maybe Chemist Warehouse on Smith Street will be open until to 7’. And it was like 13 to 7, or something. 10 to 7, i think it was 6:42. And I thought ‘maybe if I finish my beer, I can get it from chemist warehouse, rather than walk all the way to the other end of Smith Street and get it there, or just run out of nicotine spray, which would be pretty disastrous.

So on the way, I Googled the opening hours, and it said ‘till 7’ and I was like ‘Yes!’ and I had just enough time. And then I think at 6:53 , or sometimes they close early, but sometimes they don’t. So this time they were open and I got the nicotine spray. And it was great. And I just thought ‘the timing!’ Like just the fact that I thought ‘I need it’ and then it was 10 minutes. And then, just all these things happening today.

And maybe it is because, , , I had a really good, um thing happen, because, what happened was, like the whole thing with the kitchen, that was kind of my undoing, because what happened was, I packed my whole kitchen up, and packed it in boxes and kind of stacked it in the corner of my living room under this dining table, and around it and stuff. . . what happened to that? I wonder what happened to the black,  . . . shelving, , maybe my Dad took it. I don’t know what happened to that. I will have to ask him.  Anyway, there was this kind of wire shelf. It was really cool. I don’t know where it has gone. Oh! I think I put it in my bedroom. I put it in my bedroom. That is where it has gone. In the cupboard.

Anyway, so I’m so yeah, I packed everything up, and then we did the first stage of the kitchen and it was the first stage, so none of the tiles had been done. There was one drawer but most the drawers weren’t in. The dishwasher worked, and everything worked but it was kind of still not right, like it wasn’t quite all back together, and the pantry was good, so then I had the process of having to take, to unpack and put it back in, and somehow this situation just got very, out of control and there was that whole thing that happened with the tech, web disaster, like a couple of them. And I find them so stressful, and it starts to make me think that like really bad things again, and then the whole thing where Soundcloud asked to be on my wireless network or whatever, and some dodgey f*cking thing that I let them do, and then, anyway, then I just spiralled, but I think a lot of it was the discombobulation of the kitchen, like it was, like there was all this stuff and I kind of like had all this stuff kind of half unpacked and then I spiralled into this psychosis and went on this drive, and thought I was in danger, and was like, it was pretty hectic, and I was trying to drive to the coast. . . but my car needed a service.

Anyway it was a situation and I was texting my Dad at like 2 AM at night and where was I (starts to say S). . . no Traralgon, somewhere, and he was like ‘Fecking turn around and come home!’ Anyway, I tried to, but it was like, my car, as I said it needed a service, so it it wasn’t happy and so it broke down, and it got towed to Traralgon, and then I got on the train, and one of my best friends was like a conductor on the train and she got me, we got to…

So I was in Traralgon, um, and I, travelled all the way to Southern Cross, just sitting there quietly. While she was talking to my parents and my friends and organised, and then all the way and then (when we got there) she was saying things to me, like giving me choices. And I said ‘Can I just go to hospital?’ and she said ‘I can make that happen’. And so, I thought there was this whole bad thing happening, like people out to get me, blah, blah, blah or I just, I don’t know if it was people. And I was scared for her, cause, I was just really frightened, because that is what happens to me in psychosis, but um, we sat in this waiting room, and we talked (to the ambos) and they didn’t know my details, and I corrected them, but she got me into the Alfred which was pretty amazing, because it was such an amazing hospital or inpatient unit.

So that is the whole story. But then I was in there, and my Dad came down to bring me home, because I was only there for ten days. Which was still an amazing experience. But then he packed all my stuff into boxes, or made it all rational, so we finished off the kitchen, and then I was better, well I was not better, because the psychosis lasted quite a long time in a kind of low-key way until I started sleeping in again, and then, I unpacked things, and now, what is rationally happening, is that my house is so organized, like there’s like a space for everything and it’s like its all in cupboards, and it is all organised, not like there are some bits somewhere. And my bookshelf is organised, I mean it is a bit messy, but like, its all organised. Do you know what I mean? Which is awesome and maybe it will be good when I get sick again, because maybe I won’t have to deal with all this crap. Anyway there was stuff packed under the dining room table and it has been there for ages, and on the dining room table were all these presents, , , Christmas presents that I am going to give.

I had gifts that I wanted to give that I have saved for a while, because my friend had suggested that I make a Christmas tree and, I said to her ‘I have all these gifts. Should I give them now?’ and she said ‘wait till Christmas, put them somewhere in your house under a Christmas tree.’ So now, so next week I am going to send them, which is exciting and I made these cards which I am really happy about. Excited.

But the point is that I had stuff that needed to go to the op shop and also stuff that needs to go to Friends of the Earth because they are having a market stall. So, the good stuff, so the funky, cute stuff I was taking to Friends of the Earth, so on Wednesday I think, I had sorted through all that, and decided, finalised who I was giving presents to. And I had a pile in front of my couch of stuff that needed to go to the op shop and a pile for Friends of the Earth and today I had to hire a car, because I had to go to my client because we wanted to do face to face, so I hired it for longer, so in the morning, well it wasn’t the morning, it was lunch time, so I delivered the stuff to the op shop and delivered.

So now all that the mess that is in my house is these boxes that I was saving, because I didn’t know if I would need to use them to send presents, that I can now, cut up and put in the recycling, wrapping paper and stuff like that and then, the Christmas presents. And everything else is just clear. Like there is this whole space, like it just, like maybe that is why I am having such a good day. Because I got rid of the stuff that was cluttering up my life.

And the furniture is all still a bit wrong. I have to talk to my Mum and I have to get another cabinet and stuff. But it is all very exciting.

Anyway, so it was just, a lovely, lovely day. And such a nice warm day too. And then! To top it off, my elderly client rang and she left a message because I was driving, and said ‘lets go for a swim tomorrow because the weather is so nice. So I’m gonna go for a swim tomorrow and, I feel like pizza but I shouldn’t eat pizza, I mean I could make myself a pizza, which would be nice, anyways I might. I haven’t thought about dinner yet. It is a bit early for that. It is only 7:30 , , , (giggles)

So this is the end of my story and I’m gonna transcribe it into text, because then you can see how I talk as opposed to write, because I guess that is more of a stream of consciousness thing. Yeah and later maybe I’ll talk about my personal essay and see if that comes together because it was fun plotting it out, when I had the beer. But the beer was nice . And I took a nice photo. And it was a nice, cherry sour beer, but so over priced. 16 dollars for a can of beer is just ridiculous. Things are so over priced, it is just insane, , , anyway. I will talk to you soon. Byeee.

If you read it all :-/

It is worse to hear it in sound. . . but yeah. . .

This is good, am I right? This discomfort, this ‘ouch’, this getting to know myself a lot better has the potential for growth I think.

The only thing that is going to save me tonight though, is my Soul Gardening playlist. I sincerely hope that you are OK after all that!

Take care.