I think it is true that the time we waste on people who don’t even like us, much less feel romantically interested in us, could be so much better spent on real life relationships that have actual potential. It can be interesting to consider what on earth you were doing in that toxic relationship in the first place? What is it about your past experiences that attracted you to those relationships that were so incredibly hurtful and damaging?

We have the tendency to repeat patterns until we learn the lesson that each pattern has to teach us. So, it can be helpful to be open and aware of what these toxic relationships are trying to tell us. Sometimes it can take more than one crappy relationship to help you to learn what you need to develop in yourself for a healthy relationship.

We are always growing and always developing, and every painful experience is an opportunity to learn and grow. That is what I think.

Detachment through no contact

When you are considering how to create space between you, or to break the attachment, it can be helpful to consider cutting them off completely, or going ‘no contact’ with the person. This can be very helpful for a number of reasons, but mostly because it can help you to ‘detach’ from that person. This detachment is what you are seeking in your journey to move on and grow from a relationship. The moment when what the person does or says no longer affects you or generates any kind of emotional response, is the moment when you are free.

This detachment can also be the thing that helps you to learn about yourself and how the relationship damaged you. For me no contact can help my brain to process what is REALLY GOING ON, rather than getting caught up in the hype of my emotional responses. Last year I went no contact on a relationship that had been bothering me for years. It was difficult to do and I attempted to break the connection numerous times, but after I succeeded in finally doing this, it deconstructed the power that this relationship had on me.

To block or not to block

We have all of us (or many of us), been in the situation where we hang around on social media waiting for news from the person who has our heart in a cage. We want to keep updated with what they are doing, and it can be hard to give up on and turn our backs on that small privilege. It can be important to ask yourself though: ‘how does this knowledge make me feel?’ and to answer that question honestly. If seeing your love’s updates comes at the cost of your sense of self worth or your sense of dignity, it is probably time to put up a boundary to protect yourself. I am talking about blocking that person so that you can’t see anything more from them.

It can be a difficult exercise emotionally. I get it. It can be so hard to take such a drastic step and consciously allow the connection to be broken with a person who tugs at your heart strings. Take your time. I think with time, if you are being mindful and curious with your thoughts and feelings, you will come to understand that access to this person’s updates is actually just hurting you, not actually moving you towards vitality.

Lessons learnt

For me the thing I learnt last year was that if the person I was attached to wanted to have a relationship with me, they would surely stand up and stop me from leaving. When they did not make any attempt to stop me from going, it made me realise that they did not love me at all. In which case, why bother putting all this ENERGY and love into a relationship that didn’t even really care about me?

To be honest, there is one small string of connection that I ‘perceive’ to be the person who I left last year. Like all kinds of perceived connections, it is impossible to really tell if what I perceive is real. But this particular phenomenon hurts me a lot less than the toxic relationship that I was in last year.

I do believe that if someone loves you, they will do their best to stay in your life. And if they don’t love you, and if in fact pretty much everything solid that they do suggests otherwise, then you might really flourish if you can gather your resources to cut them out of your life. Wait and see how much better your life can get in a few months time!

Imagine finally learning the lesson and being able to move on from a relationship that has held you under water for all these years? That really would be amazing.