Dear goodness…I am so grateful that I will have my first appointment with a sexual assault counsellor next week. The therapy was initiated due to a previous act of violence towards me, but I am hoping that my counsellor will be well-versed in relationship trauma and trauma bonds because I am noticing that I am spiralling down and down every day and feel worse every time I go through the toxic cycle with the person who I am doing this with.

A relationship can potentially survive a trauma bond, or trauma (and abuse), but it takes effort from both people. And to be honest, I doubt very much that the person who is hurting me so much cares about me enough to do anything substantial to help, or repair the relationship. Of course, I have noticed that they give a lot of attention when I pull away (I think this is called love-bombing), but this combined with the stonewalling or not talking to me at all, and his probable relationship status, just sends us around and around a loop. And it is starting to become so painful to me, that I need to get outside help.

It is complicated by the fact that all this happens in places that are my spaces to process, express my emotions, dream and play. One of the first things that I notice is that relationship trauma can feel so incredibly lonely. In this situation, it is doubly so, because these spaces are so personal to me. The other complication is the brave new world of internet addiction, and both of these things combined act to kind of trap me in this loop.

I will be spending the days before I see my counsellor learning more about how I can take care of myself. If you want to help, perhaps you could do your research into trauma bonds, or trauma in relationships. I am planning to simply take each moment as it comes until the appointment (as I usually try to do).

Image credit:

“divorce of the parents – the trauma of the child” by wolfgangfoto is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0.