One thing that bonds me to AStro, in particular, is our shared body image issues.

He gets it! I believe that it is a toxic poison that will eat my soul. . .

There is actually no such thing as objective ‘beauty’. At least not for me.

I have some strangely shaped body parts, that much is true.

Don’t we all?

Well, some people don’t. Three people, two with body image issues, perhaps. (Or that is what I have perceived about my two ‘other’ friends.)

What of it? Does having an ugly body make me any MORE kind to other people with these ‘so called’ ugly bodies? The answer for me is less and less judgement, I think.

Hot privilege

I have seen some very colourful body shapes during my adventures on social media. I have seen bodies that I am sure would get hundreds, if not THOUSANDS of cruel and nasty comments if they posted pictures online (and did they? – I could go back and see, I suppose – what is the general attitude towards unusual body shapes in this day and age?)

It doesn’t even really matter what people think. In my bed, I got the sense that my current lover was kind to my body when we made love last night. It is what is inside me that is so TOXIC. The way that these parts of myself express themselves.

You see, IFS (Internal Family Systems) has evolved as a psychological theory and I am just beginning to become acquainted with it. Still, I find it a fruitful direction to move towards. . . What is this part of me, that hates myself so much? What is it trying to protect me from? How can I help it to trust the world, and people? It feels like a bridge way too far, but this is a helpful direction.

I feel very suspicious about being intimate with someone generally. I find the way that Astro moves attractive, and he is just such a lovely person, I think. Right now it feels like I am never going to take my clothes off again. Like ever.

How depressing!

I think the cure for this part of me, that just feels so unloveable, is exercise. I think the energy that moves through my body when I go to the gym shifts the negative energy of my parts.