One of my neighbours just dropped something from her balcony, and I said ‘oh no!’, (I was outside).

She came down and said ‘I didn’t need to explain myself’, because I had stupidly tried to via whatsapp earlier.

They were worried about me. (so she said)

My adjacent neighbour had told the others that I was isolating, that I hadn’t opened my blinds for two weeks.

And they ‘care about me’ apparently, , , but I said more than I should have tonight.

I have opened up, and shared dark thoughts about responsibility and things that could go wrong.

And it was wrong of me, , , because people DO judge. . . and people don’t want to hear about the crazy person living downstairs, , , and I have to redeem myself. .. I need to stop going into these tail spins!!

Why can’t I just ‘keep my big mouth shut?’ I don’t need to tell my neighbour about how I want my home to be nice so that if something goes wrong I don’t leave them in the lurch. . . and I don’t need to tell her that I have been unwell for 26 years now. ..

What is wrong with me? , , , If I am going to stay, I need to smooth things over socially. . . and yet, , ,t h e y probably have big enough shoulders to weather some mental illness in their building, , , (maybe?!) Uber ‘cool’ people don’t generally like to talk to the ‘mentally ill’.

I just feel like I should try to put up some boundaries aroudn what I do and don’t tell people. (including here!! Telling everyone on the internet my feelings), , , where are my BOUNDARIES!!??

Maybe when my house is done I can invite them over for a cocktail, , , that might help. . .O.U.C.H. .. ‘shut UP ms mooose’.