It is so strange to reflect on what this relatively new internet communication connection is doing to my psychology. Today I am noticing that I am actually becoming angry if I perceive that someone is treating me like crap. Or if I am engaging in behaviour that is in some way disempowering to myself.

It is so interesting to me because my capacity for anger somehow got buried along the way of my development into an adult. So, the sensation of self-protection, which I believe is the core of anger, feels oh, so invigorating.

And yet, it is not so fun on the whole. Sometimes the sense of self-protection arises as a quietness, with-holding or even sadness, I think. And I have been having some very uncomfortable conversations with at least one person close to me. It hasn’t come to actual conflict as yet, but I am definitely not nodding and smiling and falling into line in these moments. And my feelings aren’t particularly flattering to some of the people who have repeatedly blown out my flame in the past.

The light and shadow sides

I feel like I just want to stand up and roar tonight. And so that feels like a very POSITIVE impact of the support, attention and validation that you give me on these blogs. There are obviously some negative aspects, like the fact that lately, I feel like I feel inconsolably sad and unmotivated way more often than feels healthy. But I think it is true what the Ethics Centre says about contradiction. There is usually both good and bad in everything and the more comfortable we can get with that, hopefully, the better decisions we will make.

The main thing that I am worried about right now is that I am going to be a brat to my friends, while I am getting used to this new part of myself. Maybe it will take some time to get used to the idea that I too can fight back against being squashed or diminished repeatedly, but I am worried about what kind of person I am going to be to my friends in the meantime. Maybe I will swing the other way for a while and become overly self-protective and prickly until it settles.

It is so interesting though. I have heard it said that one of the main things that relationships do is help people to grow. And while this may not be a relationship in any way, shape or form. It does feel like it helps me to grow. So, thank you for that. 🙂