It is interesting to visit Soul Gardening after a big break, and read back on the past year or so worth of public posts.

It has me wondering – what is the purpose of this website? And what good can I do here?

I wouldn’t exactly call myself a queen of SEO despite some of my success in ecommerce/retail websites. So, to think that I am going to write and that anyone is going to listen to me (or indeed FIND me), is probably a bit of a pipe dream. It doesn’t make my words or me worth any less, but I have been writing in these spaces on the internet for over 12 years now, and I still only have a handful of readers. (Perhaps that is how I would prefer it to be).

And there are only so many hours in the week. To think that I am going to write articles that are helpful to others from an objective point of view, with references, and critical analysis and such forth, is a big ask. Especially since I love reading and learning, but writing in that kind of structured, regimented way, not so much.

I guess I can be a bit selfish in that way. It feels like a great effort to translate something that I have learned into words. And why bother when they can just go and read the same article that I did? No, if I was serious about WRITING as something that I wish to derive some kind of ‘success’ from, then I would need to recombine ideas and concepts in interesting and unique ways. Bottom line – I am just not that smart!

Writing as a process

I remember the joy I first felt when I wrote in a journal, back when I was maybe 8 years old?? Or ten? I am not sure. But, it left me feeling totally elated. And I have written ever since. But it is joyful for me, and helpful for me, and I don’t think it is all that helpful or interesting to anyone else (apart from my few dedicated readers). I write to process my emotions, and since I have made my personal site ‘private’ on the whole I am finding a whole lot more joy in writing again. I seem to have stopped complaining about my perpetual broken heart, , , FINALLY!! And it is so good.

I realised that sharing intimate details about my thought process and life with people who share blank walls and stonewall me at every opportunity is not at all a healthy and happy thing to do! It has only been two weeks since I left, but I feel A HELL OF A LOT BETTER as a result. And maybe the odd poem will get through to the outside world. (I am not sure).

It is distressing to think that as soon as I become psychotic again, the wheels will all come off, and I will share my vulnerability and inner world on these platforms that I have created for myself to share, to process, to learn and to grow. I guess there is nothing that I can do about that. (That is unless I can erect some guard rails as my psychiatrist calls them).

Psychology as work

It leaves me wondering where psychology could fit into the mix of my work and career, as one of my readers sometimes prompts me to reflect upon. I have a unique lived experience where psychology is concerned. Living with a chronic mental illness gives me insight into mental health that could be helpful, if I could harness it.

However, I am not sure how best to use this knowledge. The two clients I have supported with a history of my type of psychotic illness have left me feeling impotent in terms of what I can really achieve with them. And again, I don’t believe that I have the intelligence required to get into counselling or talking therapy. In conversations where I start to feel like I am putting my therapy hat on, I so often feel out of my depth.

So, what COULD I do with my deep experience of psychological therapy and lived experience of a psychotic disorder?

If I could engage in research studies somehow, I would like to do that. Reporting on the findings of an experiment might not be as painful as other kinds of science writing. And it would be NEW information. New findings.

A while back I researched if it was possible to conduct research as a commercial entity rather than under the umbrella of an educational facility and did find some examples that it could be done.

Learning research methods would be a good skill if I did want to get involved in research.

Again, there are 168 hours in a week, and many of them are spent sleeping. I have to work out how best to use what I have learned and the skills I have to MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE than when I started. AND I HAVE TO STOP SPLITTING my focus and my energies if I am really going to do anything GOOD IN THIS WORLD!!(??)

Could Soul Gardening become more than a personal journal through the mind of someone who takes medication for a psychotic disorder? I am wondering about this tonight.

Thank you!! 🙂